My Kids’ Behavior Doesn’t Reflect on My Parenting

As a therapist, I lead a support group for mothers with guilt and low self -esteem linked to the mental health of their children or to the dependence on adulthood.

Mothers blend each other. They express sorrow and jealousy when happy photos fill their social media flows or neighbors eat together.

I celebrated and appeased alongside these mothers, time per hour, from year to year. Like most parents, their children have had a variety of moments: power struggles, scientific fairs, sporting achievements and disappointing errors.

From my point of view, their children were sailing difficult times, but they were always good mothers. I could easily list the parental forces of these women. How could I convince them, however?

I don't like to hear the “good job, mom”

I thought of these themes because I brought my own teenage daughter to the pediatrician. I thought things were going well, but I know that adolescents can mask difficulties. When I was in the waiting room, I felt as vulnerable as my office women.

After a private conversation, my pediatrician came out with a big smile. She told me about my daughter's growth and confidence said: “Excellent work, mom! Continue to do what you do!”

At the beginning, I smiled back. Of course, I am relieved that my daughter is doing well. We worked hard to help him grow and prosper. I hummed when I left.

But I thought of other times when I left the pediatrician's office. Sometimes the pediatrician had a lot of recommendations for me because my child needed more care or different support. No one said “excellent work” during these visits. In fact, I often felt slightly criticized or inadequate.

When my children have trouble, I always work hard behind the scenes

Although today's comments were pleasant to hear, I realized that the “excellent work” is too wide, finished and not necessarily true. The doctor saw my daughter on a good day at some point.

My child's behavior during an individual snapshot over time does not reflect my parental skills. Like all children, mine seem to face and smile at times when they suffer silently, or they could excel in one field but fight in another area.

Sometimes I am the parent of the family bike ride, and we had, excited and happy. Sometimes I am on the phone with a frustrated teacher or I receive an indignant text from a neighbor.

When my children have trouble, I work just as hard, if not more difficult, but my parental skills and my efforts are not recognized.

Moms should be given compassion

My support group Mothers connect well and have a lot of compassion for each other. While we bring together each week in the safety of belonging and laughter, the real truths begin to emerge. Women do not run under parenting. Young adults are not fully cultivated and the relationship between parents and children can withdraw together and separate for many decades.

Young adults are complicated trips, not packaged products. Their body and brains develop for many years in young adults.

We cannot force our children to adopt our values ​​or control what they choose to do with their young spirit and their bodies. For example, I did not choose to raise my children during a pandemic. I did not choose to develop breast cancer. There are unpredictable factors in childhood beyond the power of a parent, which can lead children to fight in life.

From my point of view, qualified mothers are reflective parents who support their children with different supports at different stages. We create healthy borders that separate our self -esteem from the development of our children.

We have to expect the same compassion as we turn to our children.