10 questions to ask parents if you can still

ODr. Shoshana Ungerider, the “biggest heartache” of these, hears from his patients that many want them to ask their parents more questions.

“By the time we come to understanding that we wanted to know something, it is sometimes too late to ask,” says Ungerleider, an internal disease doctor and founder End upA non -profit organization designed to change how people talk and plan the end of life. “This is not just about collecting stories, though it has beauty and power. It is related to the connection – and the respect of someone if they can still feel and experience it.”

Where do you start at all, especially when your conversations focus on the daily aspects of life? We asked the experts to share the most meaningful questions to ask our parents until you can.

“What is now that you don't know at the moment that I don't know?”

If you are not used to having serious conversations with your people, lightly light up with some low heating. “Any innovative or low-up fast” does the trick, said Houston's psychologist and bioethe Jenny Shields-example ask your mother or father about new interests. “People love to share about themselves and it kicks them out of autopilot,” he adds. “It's light, it makes the juices flow and it helps us to make these harder questions more comfortable.”

“If your life had chapters, what title would you give it?”

This is another way to encourage people to open – especially if they usually avoid vulnerable. “It may not be easy to say,” I'm literally hell right now and everything is terrible, “says Shields. On the other hand, sharing a quick and creative one of the liners is better feasible. Think about the response of your parent as “the thermometer where they are,” he calls. “It will give you a small signal from the future and allow them to slowly publish themselves in a safer way.”

Read more: Just breathe to get better well -being

“When do you feel more calm and grounded today?”

If you are ready to dig a little deeper, ask your parents if they feel most peaceful. The answer is revealing, says Shields – what if they say “never”? You can associate that you feel that life is too chaotic; Or you could share the ways you squeeze the ways to charge on time: “I take five minutes in the morning to eat coffee on the porch.” The conversation can also work in two ways to increase empathy. “You can say,” I have the feeling that I don't have time – the kids are so young, there is no moment to breathe, “he says. “Then they can say,” God, I remember what it was. You are right – it's so difficult. “” ”

“What do you want most for my life?”

It may be meaningful to ask their parents to share their deepest hopes for their children (it is you) and, if necessary, to their grandchildren. Although they want you to be successful and achieve your goals, there are other things – interpersonal and relatively – so incredibly important, “says Ungerleider. It can include” talking about how we live and love each other and take care of each other. “

“What were your most painful moments?”

The induction of such a sensitive topic must be the right time, but the way the parents react can give you an overview of their most formative experiences. This is especially true when you connect it to the question: “What brought you out of the lowest point in your life?” “You might really know how someone was facing an obstacle or failure, and then how they came out of it,” says Ungerleider. Your mother or father can be more durable if you realized – which could inspire you for years.

“What is the thing you've changed in the last few years?”

This is one of Shields' favorite guides – he asks all his psychology class students. This encourages them to slow down and consider the fact that they think they have flexibility; Nothing is static.

Read more: 9 ways to set healthy limits with your parents

In addition, your mother or father may surprise you. May -they have changed their minds about something you did not agree with. “It helps to start the transformation of old injuries and old patterns,” he says. “We all learn new things as we grow up. It's normal and we want to build that empathy against each other.”

“What do you want more people to know about you?”

The way your parent reacts will help you understand the qualities they value the most for themselves. You may know that your mother likes to recognize how quietly she earns everyone around you, for example. “Then you can recognize as a child the next time he does something like that – you have the opportunity to confirm him,” says Shields. “We all want to see ourselves and what matters to one person may not be something the other thinks about them. It opens the door:” Who am I? And what do I care about about it? “” ”

“How did love look to grow in your family?”

Learning in which family dynamics your parents grew up can shine with a surprising light in your own cultivation. Shields advises to follow questions such as: “Were there any emotions that were not welcome in your house? You can discover that your mother was not allowed to talk back and your father gets in trouble if she was crying – it opens the door to talk about how these rules designed, who they were supposed to be and who they became. Suddenly, your childhood experience, which you can still be mercy, could be more sensibly.

“What were you afraid of becoming a parent?”

There are many different layers that influence someone's parenting journey: “We are talking about cultural influence, historical impact, generational impact and what could happen in the family of their family,” says Miranda Malone, a grief coach, therapist and founder. Cavity collectiveTo. She lost her mother when she was only 5 months old, causing a lot of fear for her baby: “Am I there for him? Am I going to die early and leave him behind?”

Read more: 14 things to say besides “I love you”

Asking from their mother or father they were afraid of taking their new roles, helping them to humanize, Malone claims, while proving that they do not have it all together. “It reminds us that our parents had their fears, doubts and stories that designed how they appeared for us,” he says. “Our parents are just people with children.”

“What do you hope that people will say about you after you have gone?”

Malone's mother died at the age of 19 – and everything she knows about her place comes from other people. This instilled in the importance of talking about the heritage of a strong conviction. Asking their parents how they hope they are remembered, “he shakes light, how they see themselves, how they approach the older, what type of friends they were, and what type of partner they were,” he says.

You don't think about such a thing and talk about it, Ungerleider adds – which is understandable. It may seem like you called sadness and grief in your relationship before the need, but it is preferable to spend it with regret. “There are some beautiful legacy work that you can do whenever you end,” he says. “Be sure to think about what you physically abandon, or the things you have created in your life, but also how you hope that people felt in your presence and the experiences they had with you.”